For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
December 5, 2002

T.I.P. Program
Statement by the President

Last month I signed into law H.R. 5005, the "Homeland Security Act of 2002." The Act restructures and strengthens the executive branch of the Federal Government to better meet the threat to our homeland posed by terrorism. 

Today I am proposing an amendment to this law, which will further strengthen our abilities to identify, detain, and punish terrorists and suspected terrorists. The amendment is titled the Tattoo ID Program, or T.I.P. Within the next six months, every U.S. citizen will be given the opportunity to have their Social Security Number tattooed on their forehead. This simple method of identification will facilitate tracking citizens as they move throughout this great country of ours. Importantly, it will assist in building our national citizen database.

To demonstrate my firm commitment to this program, my tattoo was applied at a private White House ceremony yesterday. As you can see, this form of identification is not at all obtrusive. In fact, the First Lady didn't even notice it until I pointed it out to her. It was a bit painful, but a few shots of single malt Scotch proved to be the perfect pain remedy.

The bar code tattoo was designed to be readable with all common bar code scanners. Data will be transferred directly to our TIA system which, by the way, is coming along very nicely thanks to my good buddy Poindexter.

But there is a minor technical issue that must be dealt with. The black tattoo ink provides a good contrast for us white folks. However, I've been told that there are some patriotic Americans who are not white. In order to provide acceptable contrast, those citizens will need to have a small area of their skin bleached prior to being tattooed. Here's an artist's rendering of how my good friend Al Roker will look after his tattoo is applied.

I can't wait to have Al over to the White House for some Texas barbecue. When he arrives, a quick scan will remove all doubt that the real Al Roker is in the House -- not some terrorist posing as a BBQ chef.

I must stress that this is a voluntary program. Personal freedom is a key element of this great country of ours. Consequently, your decision to participation in the T.I.P. program cannot and will not be forced upon you.

Be aware, however, that those who do not participate in the T.I.P. program may experience a few minor inconveniences in their day-to-day life -- inconveniences that are absolutely necessary in our fight against terrorism. For example, a Tattoo ID will be required to purchase gasoline, food,  clothing, and prescription medicine. In addition, Tattooed Americans will be given the right to hold jobs, and transact business with financial institutions. Issuing or renewing a drivers licenses will, of course, require a Tattoo ID. However, Non-tattooed Americans will be allowed to walk freely throughout their neighborhood (within a 4-block radius) as long as they carry three forms of identification. I anticipate that the Tax Code will also be modified to provide favorable tax benefits to those who choose to be identified as a patriotic American.

For your convenience, tattoos will be applied by your local DMV on a first come, first served basis. Right now, tens of thousands of public servants are being trained in the ancient art of tattooing. The exact details will be made available soon, so stay tuned to your local FOX affiliate. In the meantime, women might want to think about getting those bangs cut.

And no, we haven't forgotten about non-citizens who are legal U.S. residents. We're working on a plan that will involve temporary tattoos. We haven't worked out the details, but we do know that these tattoos use only 100% FDA approved ingredients -- and that's a good thing.

Since 9/11, life has changed for every American. The T.I.P. program will go a long way in helping us return to life as we once knew it. Thank you and may God bless.

GEORGE W. BUSH
THE WHITE HOUSE,
December 5, 2002.

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