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For Immediate Release
Office of the
December 5, 2002
Statement by the President
Last month I signed into law H.R. 5005, the "Homeland Security
Act of 2002." The Act restructures and strengthens the executive
branch of the Federal Government to better meet the threat to our
homeland posed by terrorism.
Today I am proposing an amendment to this law, which will further
strengthen our abilities to identify, detain, and punish terrorists
and suspected terrorists.
The amendment is titled the Tattoo ID Program, or T.I.P. Within the
next six months, every U.S. citizen will be given the opportunity to
have their Social Security Number tattooed on their forehead. This
simple method of identification will facilitate tracking citizens as
they move throughout this
great country of ours. Importantly, it will assist in building our
national citizen database.
demonstrate my firm commitment to this program, my tattoo was
applied at a private White House ceremony yesterday. As you can see, this form of identification is not
at all obtrusive. In fact, the First Lady didn't even notice it until
I pointed it out to her. It was a bit painful, but a few shots of single malt Scotch
proved to be the perfect pain remedy.
bar code tattoo was designed to be readable with all common bar code scanners.
Data will be transferred directly to our
which, by the way, is coming along very nicely thanks to my good buddy
there is a minor technical issue that must be dealt with. The
black tattoo ink provides a good contrast for us white folks. However, I've
been told that there are some patriotic Americans who are not white. In order to provide
contrast, those citizens will need to have a small area of their skin
bleached prior to being tattooed. Here's an artist's rendering of how
my good friend Al Roker will look after his tattoo is applied.
I can't wait to have Al over to the White House for some Texas
barbecue. When he arrives, a quick scan will remove all doubt that
the real Al Roker is in the House -- not some terrorist
posing as a BBQ chef.
I must stress that this
is a voluntary program. Personal freedom is a key element of
this great country of ours. Consequently, your decision to
participation in the T.I.P. program cannot and will not be forced upon
Be aware, however, that those who do not participate in the
T.I.P. program may experience a few minor inconveniences in their
day-to-day life --
inconveniences that are absolutely necessary in our fight against
terrorism. For example, a Tattoo ID will be required to purchase
gasoline, food, clothing, and prescription medicine. In addition, Tattooed Americans will be
given the right to hold jobs, and transact business with financial
institutions. Issuing or renewing a drivers licenses will, of course,
require a Tattoo ID. However, Non-tattooed Americans will be allowed to
walk freely throughout their neighborhood (within a 4-block radius) as long
as they carry three forms of identification. I anticipate that the Tax
Code will also be modified to provide favorable tax benefits to those
who choose to be identified as a patriotic American.
convenience, tattoos will be applied by your local DMV on a first
come, first served basis. Right now, tens of thousands of public
servants are being trained in the ancient art of tattooing. The exact
details will be made available soon, so stay tuned to your local FOX
affiliate. In the meantime, women might want to think about getting
those bangs cut.
And no, we haven't forgotten about non-citizens who
are legal U.S. residents. We're working on a plan that will involve
temporary tattoos. We
haven't worked out the details, but we do know that these tattoos use
only 100% FDA approved ingredients -- and that's a good thing.
Since 9/11, life has changed for every American. The T.I.P. program will go a long way in helping us
return to life as we once knew it. Thank you and may God bless.
GEORGE W. BUSH
THE WHITE HOUSE,
December 5, 2002.
# # #
This is a parody.
It is not true.
It did not
originate from the White House.