Alumni

Research confirms that a Spam U degree pays dividends. Here are the results from a recent survey of Spam University alumni.

Teddy King
B.S. '02

"I was working down at the Quickie Mart for about 12 years or so, and then I got fired for something I didn't even do ($100 missing from the till). It was the only career I ever knowed, so I didn't know what to do. My old lady told me to check out Spam U and get me some education."

"Studying all that book-learning crap wasn't easy (and I ain't exactly no Alvin Einstein), but now I'm making a whole lot more money than the stupid Quickie Mart makes on a good day (usually Fridays are good days, depending on the payday schedule and the lottery)."

"And you know what? You don't even have to sell no product. Just send out a few million emails and act like you're actually selling something cool (like Viagra). Pretty soon, the money starts rolling in like friggin' magic. She it."

Arnie Jones
B.S. '01

"If it weren't for Spam U, I'd probably be in jail. No, I definitely would be a jail. I was planning to rob a bank. I bought my ski mask. but no gun (Doh)!. But then I saw a flyer for Spam U laying on the ground. I picked it up and had it read to me. It changed my life. It really did, I mean it. Seriously. I realized that I didn't have to resort to a life of crime. I could earn lots of money and not even break the law."

"So I took all of the classes, and now here I am -- a spammer. And I'm doing damn good at it. I even wear a tie when I send out my spam just because it makes me feel more professional."

Debbie Dell
B.S. '03

"I used to be a model for a stock photography agency. My photo has appeared in thousands of ads throughout the world. For a while, I was even a celebrity. It was a good life, but now I've found a better life. I'm a spammer."

"Spamming is much easier. I get to wear whatever I want (no more of that stupid hat that covers my forehead!) and I no longer have to take directions from photo assistants. Oh yeah, and the money's a lot better too."

Jim & Melinda Parker
B.S, M.S. '02

"We're known by some as the Cowboy Spammers. Melinda and me actually met at Spam U. We was both taking the Body Part Enlargement class, and we just sort of hit it off. We got hitched right after graduation day, and now we have a successful career sending out spam. It really ain't that hard, and I'll tell you what - it's lucrative as all get out. We hardly know what to do with all this money. Sure beats working on septic tanks. Yippee!"

"What Jim said." - Melinda

John Walkenbach
Ph.D. '03

"Unlike most of the students in my class, I had some morals and ethics when I entered the University. But they evaporated after about two days, thanks to the amazing professors I encountered. I learned that spamming is a way of life. It's the wave of the future, and it's the solution to most of life's problems. I display my Spam U diploma with pride."

"Forget about blogs. Forget about spreadsheets. And forget about Microsoft (unless Bill is serious about his new "Spam Machine"). Spamming is the best thing that ever happened to the Internet."

Anonymous
M.S. '01

"I'm a well-known spammer, but I can't tell you who I am. I've received some death threats, and I fear for my life and my Lexus. But I ain't gonna stop spammin'. No siree."

"I done found me the world's best job and I'm making lots of money. You wouldn't even believe how much. So go ahead and kill my wife and dog if you want, just don't kill me (or harm my Lexus). I'm making way too much money to die so young."

James R. Cox
B.S, '99

"You're never too old to start a new career. I was a successful trademark attorney, but when I turned 74, the Alzheimer's was starting to affect me real bad. So I enrolled at Spam U. It took me seven years (plus one semester) to graduate, but it was worth it. Now I'm making good money as a spammer, even though I can't remember a goddamn thing anymore."

"Did I tell you that you're never too old to start a new career?"

Jim Kloss
M.S, '03

"OK, OK... So I was a big shot for a day. Then, one trip to Vegas, and I'm a nobody again. I had to go back to my old job -- running a worthless music webcast in friggin' Alaska, for god sake. I didn't earn any money. None. Nada. Hell, it cost me money."

"I was a stupid moron -- dumber than the dumbest, stupidest, most uneducated retard. Esther finally had the guts to tell me to get my life together. So I wised up, moved to Mississippi, and went to school. I learned a few things that have nothing to do with PHP programming. And I learned a lot about life (I was so wrong about so many things)."

"Now I'm a successful spammer, and I have more money than I'll ever need. Hell, I might start on that Alaska theme park idea. Oh yeah, and we're talking plenty of chicks, too. And they even bring me free beer. Rat-a-tat-tat. Shake my friggin' hat."

Jeroen Dutchman
Ph.D.,'02

"I traveled all the way from The Netherlands to attend Spam U. I was away from my wife and kids for seven years, and I had to live in Mississippi (no dikes, no tulips, no wooden shoes!). But it was worth it. I am now the top Dutch spammer, and I am rich beyond my wildest expectations. I have mucho Euro in my burrow. But best of all, I'm proud of myself and my honorable occupation."

"Mag ik jou bier lenen?"

Bucky Sparks
B.S.'01

"Yep, after I had my ear surgery I went back to school. I graddiated and now I'm a successful business-type man. Ma said it would never happen, but she be wrong bout that. The best thing I learned in them classes is that no matter how stupid you is, there's always gonna be more people who are even more stupider than you are. And that's a fact."

Maude Popper
B.S. '02

"After my Claude died, I didn't know what to do with my life. I was lonely. Empty. I missed him so much."

"One of the gals at the beauty parlor (a redhead) told me about Spam U. I decided to go back to school and learn myself a trade. Now I'm a professional spammer and I have a lot of money. I don't even miss Claude no more."